Our hearts were made for You, O Lord, and they are restless until they rest in you.
– St. Augustine
Over the past four or five days, I've had minions of people telling me to rest - doctors, friends, aide, etc. (OK maybe minions is an exaggeration! But it's a great image, isn't it?)
My argument has always been that I'm paralyzed - how can I possibly overdo things? Apparently I can despite limited movement. The proof is in the fact that I get pain - and fatigue. These physical symptoms clearly warn me when I exceed the speed limit of being a quadriplegic. I know then that I need physical rest.
But how do I know when I need that other kind of "rest" - the spiritual kind? I know it happens when I am feeling irritable, short-tempered and out of sorts as a result of not setting enough time aside for prayer time, reading the Bible and being with God. When I do spiritual practices, I am able to achieve a state of being where I am "resting in God".
I remember years ago when I went on a Catholic retreat with a group of terminally ill people. Most of them had cancer and were preparing themselves for their final journey home to God. Yet meal times were joyous and our final party the last night of the retreat was full of laughter and smiles. I knew that these people were at peace because they looked forward to being one with God.
For those of us with disabilities, our challenge is to seek God's rest daily as we face each day. Although we do not face death, we do deal with physical problems and stressors that can distract us from our spiritual practices of prayer and being with God. We can allow anger, frustration and bitterness to separate us from God's love if we are not careful. We can let feelings of alienation and fear drive a wedge between us, others, and our Lord.
I am writing of these things because I have done all of them. I have squandered precious time in my life by giving into these negative feelings and states of being. I share this in hopes of sparing someone else that suffering, because it is truly suffering to be separated from God in that kind of negativity.
I am more vigilant now about turning toward prayer and God when these feelings pop up. My vulnerability as a human being with a disability is something I have learned to embrace instead of deny. This allows me to be honest with myself about my true spiritual state of being with God and ask for His help.
5 comments:
Thank you for your honesty. I've had all of those feelings and thought there was no hope for me with God. I've been so angry since being diagnosed with MS. This made me feel like I could try again with God.
Let me assure you that those feelings are normal. God is always there. I got your Email and since you said it's ok will post my response here because it might help someone else. I will hold you in my prayers as you pass through these feelings - it does get easier with time - at least it did for me. It is normal also when symptoms worsen or a disability limits you more (even with SCI like I have that happens with aging and complications) to pass through phases of anger, etc. again. It can be disheartening to go through this process over and over again as a disability worsens( like in MS) and people around us certainly can lose their patience with us more, not understanding that for us loss of more function is devastating...even when we think we've accepted the initial diagnosis. I don't think we can intellectualize our adjustment to loss of being able to walk , for example in MS, by saying "I knew this would get worse" - I believe we need to embrace our very human feelings and take them to God in prayer. Please email me anytime and stay in touch. You show great spiritual courage by reaching out!
Ruth, your post speaks to all of us, disabled or not, about the need to rest in God. I love the passage in Isaiah in which God say, "In repentance and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength." And then the Lord adds, "But you were unwilling." I have to remind myself a lot that resting in Him is what I most need.
Hi Ruth,
I had one round of specialists who told me to go home and stay in bed until they figured out what was wrong with me. This dragged on for over a year, and all I did was lay around thinking about how much I hurt.
Finally, one doc, after assuring me (and himself) that even if they didn't understand what was wrong with me, activity was unlikely to make it any worse, so I should be as active as possible. The best advice I had received in a looong time. Being active gave me other things to think about!
So, years later, a new primary care doc finally figured out that have: hypothyroidism, hypoglycemia, peripheral neuropathy, and a few other more common maladies. There are still a few unexplained symptoms, but some problems are a little better with the right diet and hormone replacements.
Wow, I can get pretty talkative (writeative?). Anyway, thanks for sharing your own story.
[Isaiah 26:12]
Congratulations on your first Catholic Carnival entry! Well done!
I am so glad that you are giving voice to this. I am learning so much from your blog!
God Bless
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