Perhaps it's because for years I traveled with these two friends, but when we were reunited at the Abilities Expo, being together felt as if we'd never been apart.
Without missing a beat, we immediately slid into the way we are together, laughing at old jokes and smiling at each other's foibles. And in the six hours we shared the same space, these friends whom I see these days only via email, Facebook and hear from on the phone reminded me why relationships can remain strong over distance.
We know how to be with each other. They reach over without asking and open my straw, slip it into my drink with the familiarity that comes from all those shared spaces in real time years ago. When I thank them for their help, they ask "What help?"
I tell them that when I ask a stranger for help, I'm sometimes told "You should bring someone along to help". My inability to do physical things is seen as an unacceptable burden, a bother to some very vocal people.
This kind of attitude is why we have warehoused people with disabilities in institutions for years, out of sight. It's as if some in our society are afraid of what would happen in a world where people who need help getting straws out of paper covers were set loose. Do they imagine hordes of us hitting Starbucks at noon, causing havoc by holding up the line and asking "Can you open this for me?"
My friends open doors and straws and cans without thinking. They know what I can and can't do physically. We don't debate whether they should do it. We don't judge why I need the help. I'm a quadriplegic. I lack dexterity. We get that all relationships are, at their best, interdependent.
When I asked them at the end of the day how many times they had to help me, my friends' eyes glazed over. "Two?" one says. "Ten," the other says. "Even it it was ten," my first friend says, "at what point should you have to pay for help just to go out? Needing two things? Five things a day? Ten things a day?"
We were all suddenly silent. The waitress brought the bill. I struggled with my money and my friend reached over and grabbed the dollars, made change and put the bills in my wallet.
"Eleven," I said.
To which my friend said "Who's counting?"
But I'm reminded on almost a daily basis that some people are.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Monday, May 24, 2010
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Can you accept grace?
When other people extend grace toward you, perhaps unexpectedly, can you accept it? Do you recognize grace for what it is and express gratitude for it? Do you answer the call to extend grace toward others?
At times in my life, I've been overwhelmed by the grace I've seen. There was the time when friends helped me build a ramp and renovated my kitchen. There's the low paid and difficult work my caregiver does for me. It can be humbling to receive rather than give, but what I began to appreciate is that grace is all around us all of the time and that none of us are merely givers or receivers, but capable of being both.
One of the things I've learned was how unaware I was of the grace in my life before my accident. Looking back, I realize that there had always been grace and I was the one who hadn't accepted it. I was under the illusion that I was independent and didn't need anyone. It wasn't until my own personal values changed, as well as my definition of what courage and maturity is, that I was able to embrace the reality of our interdependence on each other as human beings.
Now I realize that the choices I made surrounding grace had consequences because by not seeing the grace in my life, I remained cut off from the underlying truth that all of us play a role in extending God's grace. Sometimes we are recipients and sometimes we are the channels through which it flows. What matters is that we are open to experiencing grace.
Accepting grace, no matter where we are in the circle with our brothers and sisters, can become a way of life, where we are grateful for a beautiful day, the food we eat, and ways in which our interconnectedness enriches all of us spiritually. It is truly a gift from God to be able to set aside the fears and human pride that keeps us from being a part of a much bigger plan.
At times in my life, I've been overwhelmed by the grace I've seen. There was the time when friends helped me build a ramp and renovated my kitchen. There's the low paid and difficult work my caregiver does for me. It can be humbling to receive rather than give, but what I began to appreciate is that grace is all around us all of the time and that none of us are merely givers or receivers, but capable of being both.
One of the things I've learned was how unaware I was of the grace in my life before my accident. Looking back, I realize that there had always been grace and I was the one who hadn't accepted it. I was under the illusion that I was independent and didn't need anyone. It wasn't until my own personal values changed, as well as my definition of what courage and maturity is, that I was able to embrace the reality of our interdependence on each other as human beings.
Now I realize that the choices I made surrounding grace had consequences because by not seeing the grace in my life, I remained cut off from the underlying truth that all of us play a role in extending God's grace. Sometimes we are recipients and sometimes we are the channels through which it flows. What matters is that we are open to experiencing grace.
Accepting grace, no matter where we are in the circle with our brothers and sisters, can become a way of life, where we are grateful for a beautiful day, the food we eat, and ways in which our interconnectedness enriches all of us spiritually. It is truly a gift from God to be able to set aside the fears and human pride that keeps us from being a part of a much bigger plan.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Getting to awe
The magi have arrived, bearing gifts, after their long, arduous journey. As I wrote the other day, as pilgrims they made their journey looking for a source of awe.
Sometimes I think we all have lost that sense of awe toward God in a world that is so full of distractions, it's difficult to even lift our gaze toward spiritual things. Our eyes are fixed on iPods, tech devices, computer screens more than ever and less on each other, and as for prayer and talking to God, many of us say we don't have time or, if we do, precious little, for our Creator and Savior. (Of course adding those last two words puts a perspective on it that makes the statement rather inane.)
Yet, with a bit of thought, it takes very little to get to awe. Just thinking about the fact that God is omnipresent, for example, makes me feel awe. He is everywhere. Not just in the sense of everywhere as we think of it - in our homes, our offices, the store, etc. but also in our heads. Call it mind reading or thought recognition, but God is all knowing or, as I used to write out in grammar school All Knowing.Which means He knows why we 'don't have time' for prayer and communication with Him.
Of course He knew the magi were coming. He knew they were bearing gifts. He also knows what gifts and talents we bring to the table. He knows whether we use them or not. There are opportunities put in front of us every day to do so and He leaves it up to us to make choices. We can make the pilgrimage, take the journey or go another route. We can choose convenience and the express lane. We can go to bed without praying, wake up without expressing our gratitude and live as if we don't have a Creator or Savior and don't know him.
We can choose not to get to awe.
On this day, as the magi arrive, I'm spending some time thinking about what's getting between me and awe. I wonder where unnecessary limits in my life arise and how to deal with those. I'm thinking about ways I miss opportunities to get to awe. I'm checking my road map with a different kind of GPS - not for the fastest physical route, but the best spiritual one, the one where I can be of most service to my brothers and sisters in Christ. That's the road I need to travel. I know if I listen closely and take God's direction, I'll find it.
Sometimes I think we all have lost that sense of awe toward God in a world that is so full of distractions, it's difficult to even lift our gaze toward spiritual things. Our eyes are fixed on iPods, tech devices, computer screens more than ever and less on each other, and as for prayer and talking to God, many of us say we don't have time or, if we do, precious little, for our Creator and Savior. (Of course adding those last two words puts a perspective on it that makes the statement rather inane.)
Yet, with a bit of thought, it takes very little to get to awe. Just thinking about the fact that God is omnipresent, for example, makes me feel awe. He is everywhere. Not just in the sense of everywhere as we think of it - in our homes, our offices, the store, etc. but also in our heads. Call it mind reading or thought recognition, but God is all knowing or, as I used to write out in grammar school All Knowing.Which means He knows why we 'don't have time' for prayer and communication with Him.
Of course He knew the magi were coming. He knew they were bearing gifts. He also knows what gifts and talents we bring to the table. He knows whether we use them or not. There are opportunities put in front of us every day to do so and He leaves it up to us to make choices. We can make the pilgrimage, take the journey or go another route. We can choose convenience and the express lane. We can go to bed without praying, wake up without expressing our gratitude and live as if we don't have a Creator or Savior and don't know him.
We can choose not to get to awe.
On this day, as the magi arrive, I'm spending some time thinking about what's getting between me and awe. I wonder where unnecessary limits in my life arise and how to deal with those. I'm thinking about ways I miss opportunities to get to awe. I'm checking my road map with a different kind of GPS - not for the fastest physical route, but the best spiritual one, the one where I can be of most service to my brothers and sisters in Christ. That's the road I need to travel. I know if I listen closely and take God's direction, I'll find it.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Friday, October 10, 2008
Reassurance markers
Pennsylvania is a huge state. I learned that once driving through it from Michigan back East when I became lost at night.
I was following a main road and turned off in Pittsburgh to find Chatham College (now Chatham University) that a friend was attending. I thought I'd surprise her with a visit, but when I pulled up, I was told she was out for the night, so I drove back to find the highway. (Yes, the old days, before cell phones!) I suppose, because I was tired and assumed I'd drive back during the day, I didn't pay attention to the route and there were no reassurance markers - those signs that let you know a highway is ahead, that you're on the right route.
I'm looking for reassurance markers with our economy right now, like many others. It's a global issue at this point and will require resolve to address. But I'm constantly reminded how we're all interconnected and that reassurance markers - of the spiritual kind- are all around us.
A woman whose husband has ALS in a state far away contacted me to let me know she needed some equipment for him. That very day, an hour earlier, a person sent me information about an available item - that matched and was in the same state. Using GPS, I found a hauler and the equipment was there within two hours.
I take that as a reassurance marker. No money exchanged hands. Everyone felt good about it. There was no downside. Those folks all played a part in solving a problem that allowed the man with ALS to remain in his home longer. It was a problem an insurance company wasn't going to solve, certainly not on time. And those involved just happened to be "in the right place, at the right time" and acted on it.
This story may do nothing to restore your confidence in the economy, but perhaps it will help restore your confidence in human nature. I see things happening like this almost every day. Perhaps, I thought this morning, it was a good day for me to share this particular reassurance marker.
I was following a main road and turned off in Pittsburgh to find Chatham College (now Chatham University) that a friend was attending. I thought I'd surprise her with a visit, but when I pulled up, I was told she was out for the night, so I drove back to find the highway. (Yes, the old days, before cell phones!) I suppose, because I was tired and assumed I'd drive back during the day, I didn't pay attention to the route and there were no reassurance markers - those signs that let you know a highway is ahead, that you're on the right route.
I'm looking for reassurance markers with our economy right now, like many others. It's a global issue at this point and will require resolve to address. But I'm constantly reminded how we're all interconnected and that reassurance markers - of the spiritual kind- are all around us.
A woman whose husband has ALS in a state far away contacted me to let me know she needed some equipment for him. That very day, an hour earlier, a person sent me information about an available item - that matched and was in the same state. Using GPS, I found a hauler and the equipment was there within two hours.
I take that as a reassurance marker. No money exchanged hands. Everyone felt good about it. There was no downside. Those folks all played a part in solving a problem that allowed the man with ALS to remain in his home longer. It was a problem an insurance company wasn't going to solve, certainly not on time. And those involved just happened to be "in the right place, at the right time" and acted on it.
This story may do nothing to restore your confidence in the economy, but perhaps it will help restore your confidence in human nature. I see things happening like this almost every day. Perhaps, I thought this morning, it was a good day for me to share this particular reassurance marker.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Facing one's fears on the disability journey
New Mobility magazine has an excellent collection of articles on facing one's fears on the disability journey. Highly recommend it. As usual, I always find something interesting in their magazine.
Vicki blogs about ways she deals with her MS and her new plan in an excellent post. And another Disaboom blogger writes about how he's learned to act the way he wants to feel.
Yes, we need this dialogue in a society where a survey says half of Americans would rather die than face disability.
It's not because we are inherently afraid, but because it's way too easy to get psyched out by that kind of message when surrounded by it. When I talk to those with newly acquired disabilities, I count the number of times they say that their parents or spouse or friends think this or that - and encourage them to lead the way in a positive direction. Often loved ones will follow.
Vicki blogs about ways she deals with her MS and her new plan in an excellent post. And another Disaboom blogger writes about how he's learned to act the way he wants to feel.
Yes, we need this dialogue in a society where a survey says half of Americans would rather die than face disability.
It's not because we are inherently afraid, but because it's way too easy to get psyched out by that kind of message when surrounded by it. When I talk to those with newly acquired disabilities, I count the number of times they say that their parents or spouse or friends think this or that - and encourage them to lead the way in a positive direction. Often loved ones will follow.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Pos or Not
An internet web site that asks viewers to look at photos of people and guess whether they are HIV positive or not, is being hailed in this article as an effort to debunk myths.
It is also being termed possibly the most depressing site on the internet by some. It's aimed to increase awareness by those who equate looks with whether someone is HIV positive or not, it seems. And fear. Does it work to reduce the stigma associated with HIV? I'm not sure.
I realize the educational value of teaching about the risks of HIV, but it's too bad that you don't see a campaign like this for other invisible disabilities done in a way that is positive.
Your thoughts?
It is also being termed possibly the most depressing site on the internet by some. It's aimed to increase awareness by those who equate looks with whether someone is HIV positive or not, it seems. And fear. Does it work to reduce the stigma associated with HIV? I'm not sure.
I realize the educational value of teaching about the risks of HIV, but it's too bad that you don't see a campaign like this for other invisible disabilities done in a way that is positive.
Your thoughts?
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Dream Mom: The Secret
Dream Mom: The Secret
Dream Mom writes:
"I have learned over the years that children with mental and physical disabilities are not scary people. They aren’t too be feared. They are just kids. They are loving. They are happy. They are sweet. I never in a million years dreamed I would fall in love with them, but I did.
Society makes them scary. We perform all of these prenatal tests and when they aren’t perfect, we think our lives are over. Nobody bothers to tell us that it’s o.k., it just might be different. "
She has learned "The Secret". Go on over and read about it.
Dream Mom writes:
"I have learned over the years that children with mental and physical disabilities are not scary people. They aren’t too be feared. They are just kids. They are loving. They are happy. They are sweet. I never in a million years dreamed I would fall in love with them, but I did.
Society makes them scary. We perform all of these prenatal tests and when they aren’t perfect, we think our lives are over. Nobody bothers to tell us that it’s o.k., it just might be different. "
She has learned "The Secret". Go on over and read about it.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Cooperating with grace
Can you overcome your fear and doubt to cooperate with God's grace?
St. Juan Diego did. He was beatified in 2002 - a simple man who was baptized at the age of 50 and who worked the land, walking three to four miles to church every weekend. He saw an apparition on one of those long walks and eventually moved into a room off of the chapel, spreading the word to other Mexicans.
He is known as the Saint of Humility.
When he first told the bishop about his apparition, the bishop did not even believe him. What an unlikely candidate Juan Diego was - in the eyes of the world. But he listened to God's call and, through God's grace, did many good works.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Seeking rest....
Our hearts were made for You, O Lord, and they are restless until they rest in you.
– St. Augustine
Over the past four or five days, I've had minions of people telling me to rest - doctors, friends, aide, etc. (OK maybe minions is an exaggeration! But it's a great image, isn't it?)
My argument has always been that I'm paralyzed - how can I possibly overdo things? Apparently I can despite limited movement. The proof is in the fact that I get pain - and fatigue. These physical symptoms clearly warn me when I exceed the speed limit of being a quadriplegic. I know then that I need physical rest.
But how do I know when I need that other kind of "rest" - the spiritual kind? I know it happens when I am feeling irritable, short-tempered and out of sorts as a result of not setting enough time aside for prayer time, reading the Bible and being with God. When I do spiritual practices, I am able to achieve a state of being where I am "resting in God".
I remember years ago when I went on a Catholic retreat with a group of terminally ill people. Most of them had cancer and were preparing themselves for their final journey home to God. Yet meal times were joyous and our final party the last night of the retreat was full of laughter and smiles. I knew that these people were at peace because they looked forward to being one with God.
For those of us with disabilities, our challenge is to seek God's rest daily as we face each day. Although we do not face death, we do deal with physical problems and stressors that can distract us from our spiritual practices of prayer and being with God. We can allow anger, frustration and bitterness to separate us from God's love if we are not careful. We can let feelings of alienation and fear drive a wedge between us, others, and our Lord.
I am writing of these things because I have done all of them. I have squandered precious time in my life by giving into these negative feelings and states of being. I share this in hopes of sparing someone else that suffering, because it is truly suffering to be separated from God in that kind of negativity.
I am more vigilant now about turning toward prayer and God when these feelings pop up. My vulnerability as a human being with a disability is something I have learned to embrace instead of deny. This allows me to be honest with myself about my true spiritual state of being with God and ask for His help.
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