Dear Jack

I received an email from a 15 year old boy who I'll call Jack. He uses a wheelchair in school and is being teased and is wondering whether he should be home schooled. He's asked me what I think. Below is my answer.

Dear Jack,

I can understand your frustration with the situation at school. Of course you could go to the administration about the situation, but you already know that as you said in your letter.

The teasing you describe about your wheelchair is pretty immature and is a form of emotional bullying. I'd like to tell you that once you're through high school, you'll never run into this again. But because this is a problem that won't stop with high school, I'm reluctant to tell you that leaving school and being home schooled is the answer. It's up to you and your parents, but high school can actually be an opportunity to hone your skills at handling people who act like this in the workplace or out in public.

This may surprise you, Jack, but people who act in these ways are generally insecure about themselves. They also tend to be somewhat selfish. This is a difficult combination in a person, and often these people have problems in most of their relationships. When they tease you, as you've described, anything you say back they may deflect back onto you. In other words they will try to justify what is actually discrimination against your disability by launching into personal attacks on you. They are trying to justify their inappropriate and hurtful behavior. If you watch them interact with other people, you'll see that you're not the only one they are picking on and treating this way. This can be helpful to know.

And, sadly, its not a matter of fixing these people. That would involve a willingness to change on their part, something that's not in your control. Although well meaning people may tell you that there are a few magical words you can say that will make them stop teasing or a "one shot" fix, experts will tell you that isn't usually the case. Their problems run pretty deep.

So what can you do?

There are a few things I've learned from experience that may help the situation. There are times, of course, when it's appropriate to stand up to the person and tell him or her that what he or she is doing is inappropriate and disrespectful. Another thing to try is to use humor or talk about something else. You can try to find something positive about them. I once told a woman who was loudly complaining that my wheelchair was in everyone's way that I liked her haircut and she stopped her nonsense and said "Really?" No matter what approach you do take, it is important to appear confident and remember that if what you try doesn't work, it's not a reflection on you since you can't control the other person.

But there are things you can do that you can control - like learning skills such as assertiveness, how to resolve disputes and working on your self esteem. This all helps in dealing with bullies and teasing.

There is one caveat to all of this: if you think you're in danger of being hurt, you need to go to adults for help.

In a more enlightened society, these behaviors would not be tolerated and others would support you, rather than laughing along with them or standing by and doing nothing. Many times bystanders go along with what's happening out of their own fear. They don't want to be turned into the one who is teased!

Fear is a funny thing, Jack. And people still have funny ideas about disability. As Mark Twain said "The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain't so."

Let me know how things are going. Sending my prayers,

Wheelie Catholic