Care: taking or giving ?

Needing physical assistance to do tasks has been a lesson to me about other peoples' assumptions. I run into folks, particularly when I try to hire help, who swear up and down that they get what it means, but some just don't. It can mean the difference between caregiving and care taking.

I prefer the term PA or personal assistant. Assisting means just that. If I need help turning a page, that's the job. Trust me. I've been a quad for seventeen years and know what I need help with and what I don't.

But some folks really dont understand the PA gig. Here are some signs that confusion reigns.

1. Telling me how to live my life by making inappropriate intrusive suggestions instead of doing the tasks assigned. I'm in charge even though I'm sitting down. Really.


2. Telling me all their problems as they work. This can be a total energy suck when it happens frequently and if they do this in conjunction with number one it inspires no confidence in their advice. Just saying.

3. Not understanding that unrelated extensive conversation is distracting and wasteful when resources are limited. Basically it means the list of tasks doesn't get done and then i have to bring in another person to finish. This also leads a hungry quad to say things such as. Could you make me something to eat while you talk about that movie you saw?

4, they think my personal preferences in food, clothing, etc. require approval. Just because someone cuts up my food doesn't mean I want them to choose what I eat. Someday I'm going to show up at their house at dinner to see if they eat veggies.

5. Constant supervision shouldn't be required. The use of a list makes sense . Yes I have to supervise what's done, but having to remind someone to do up to a half dozen things in a visit means they aren't using the list. This raises the question of who's taking care of whom?

6. Directly challenging or ignoring requests is inappropriate. Some folks just don't do certain things and it can be random and unpredictable . Trust me, waiting longer to see if I become cured doesn't work.

7. I realize these jobs don't pay much so I make compromises. But the other side to the coin is when someone takes advantage of that and keeps renegotiating the job. It's a bad sign when they ask me to round up the garbage, for example. Not really workable.


All joking aside, it's a very real fact that the quality of assistance I receive relates directly to how productive or not I can be. The longterm PAs Ive worked with have a common denominator : they get that they're here to assist and we carve out a fair mutual relationship based on trust and the recognition that I too am autonomous and deserve a full and productive life.

Now that's when taking and giving are both very appropriate.