Mouth magazine has an interesting article this issue by Reverend Rus Cooper-Dowda about how a person with a disability (PWD) is treated by co-workers and others in an elevator.
The article mentions things happening in the elevator such as the author being asked if she knows how to run the elevator. It also alludes to behavior by co-workers treating her differently in front of others (i.e. as more disabled) than when they are in a close work setting. Due to the degree of familiarity with these people, she challenges this behavior.
I've had this happen to me, where folks will treat me differently when we are alone than when we're in a bigger group. Clearly the dynamics are different in a group, but it is disturbing when someone treats you completely differently in a group setting and then, when alone, goes back to an assumed familiarity with you that they won't own in public.
This can happen, not only in elevators, of course, but in church. I've had great conversations one-on-one with folks, only to find myself in a group setting with them and their behavior changes. This occurred recently when I ran into a man I saw weekly at a bible study in my church for months. We were congenial and spoke quite often about different issues, including personal ones.
However, when I ran into him in a more public setting at church, he denied any familiarity when I approached him and greeted him . He called me "ma'am" as if he had never met me before. Other people standing around looked over at me and, quite frankly, it was awkward for me.
If I didn't have the awareness I do of disability issues, I would have felt like I acted inappropriately by greeting him in a way that acknowledged that I knew him. Certainly he didn't not recognize me! The wheelchair is a dead give-away.
But I know what this is - ableism. And just as the co-worker issues need to be talked about, it needs to be addressed in the church setting as well.
As I struggle to achieve inclusion in my parish, behavior like this is only discouraging to me. I have enough life experiences to understand that some people will respond like this. I don't take it personally. After all, each person is responsible for his contribution toward inclusion - or his choice to thwart it.
Inclusion cannot happen without the willingness of people to stand strong in the face of what others might think.
9 comments:
I have this at church too and at work. People are fine one on one but then deny knowing me at all. It's always hurt my feelings but I thought it was somehow my fault. After reading this I'm realizing that they need to take a look at how they handle this too. Thanks.
I got your email on this article and want to say something. I was going to church but stopped. People are afraid of what other people think if they are your friend and you look different.
This happens. I ignore people who treat me differently in public after I make sure they're doing that. How can you be friendly toward someone when they do that to you? You can be civil, but that's about it.
As a parent of 2 young adult children with lifelong disabilities, I appreciate your ability to recognize this all to common behavior as what it is - ableism. A huge challenge for young people who grow up with a disability, and have only that frame of reference to draw from, is to develop a healthy self-love, recognize and deal with rampant ableism, and somehow learn socially appropriate behavior in the midst of the conflicting messages. As you probably see with your nephew, it is really tricky, if not downright impossible to figure it all out. The ableist messages that our kids get from the "authorities" in their world - church leaders, teachers, scout leaders, coaches, etc - are pervasive, damaging and so hard to counter. How's a kid to know what the truth is?
Janet
Thanks for your comments, everyone. Janet, I do see this happen with my nephew and I've seen the enormous impact it can have .
Interestingly, my kids always found their interactions with adults more confusing and challenging than those with their peers.
Loving support, discussion, and advocacy help. Good role models of all abilities help, too. But it's tough.
Janet
After reading your posts and the comments about ableism, I've tried to look back over my own behavior and that of fellow church members. I can't think of any times I've done this personally, nor can I picture any of our church family doing it, either. Is it that I'm just blind to my own behavior and that of others? Maybe so, but I don't think so. Every instance I could think of involved friendly inclusion of everyone, disabled or not. Maybe it's the small town Southern rural background that fosters friendliness??
I suppose I'm the fortunate one, in that I can't recall it ever happening that someone I knew refused to acknowledge me in public. I think it helps that I have been involved over the years in a number of activities that I have excelled at - union treasurer, lector, choir member - and that helps others to see my talents more than the wheelchair.
Wow! This is a great discussion. I volunteered at a church and still wasn't accepted - and left. It's good to see that there is one guy who made it work. Congratulations to you Edward. As for everyone else, I agree with your point of view. Churches have a long way to go in this area.
Sam
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