Worry about doing the wrong thing around people with disabilities? We have more in common than not....

Whenever I speak before parish groups, the bravest audience members ask me questions. The questions always have the same theme – they want to know what my experience is like as a Catholic with a disability.

Here are a few samples:
*How does it make you feel when people talk to you about your disability at church?
*What do you do when people stare at you? How long is it okay to look at someone with a disability?
*Is it okay for people who haven’t met you to just say hello or does that make you feel intruded upon?

People express their fears of “doing and saying the wrong thing” in their questions. I’m always amazed at the depth of these questions. Clearly people have worried about approaching me – and others – with disabilities.

The common theme that runs through these question and answer periods is that we are all yearning for inclusion. Our hearts cry out , after all the Masses and prayers are said and done, after all our works of service are completed, and after all our obligations of the day are met, for unity and community.

Since we all want that, then, why is it so hard? Why do we struggle over the issues so much? Why do we sweat the small stuff and stumble over the bigger issues?

The truth is that I have had probably over a hundred parishioners help me get into my car after Mass and social functions. I suspect, however, that the people who offer help are those who are most confident and don’t worry as much about “doing or saying the wrong thing”. They’re not afraid to ask “Need a hand?” or “want help with that?”

The reality is that there is never a guarantee that interactions will go well. There is always a risk involved. Your help might be turned down – even ungraciously. Your attempt to say hello might be rebuffed or, worse yet, misinterpreted.

For example, I return smiles and greetings rather spontaneously. I don’t worry about how it looks – I’m more concerned about making others comfortable, particularly children. Every now and then, after I’ve sent what I think is a warm smile at someone, I overhear them say “People with low IQ’s are so friendly, aren’t they? It must be nice to have such a simple world.”

I sigh, thinking how such misconceptions can paint us in a corner about something as simple as – being friendly. But I must admit I also smile at these remarks because, to some extent, they are true.

My world has become simpler due to my disability. I have become more able to see peoples’ hearts, more caring, more outgoing and less worried about how I look. I have become better able, although far from perfect, to increase others’ comfort level around me and my disability.

I often think “What would Christ do in my situation? How would He handle being a quadriplegic in community with others?” I don’t believe that Christ would hide away in a corner or angrily reject kind offers of help. Christ would not teach others to treat Him as “less than” or “more than” but as an equal. I believe that Christ would use His circumstances in service of others and would spend time in prayer to find out what God’s will was. I strive to try to attempt this in my life, but it is a constant struggle.

The truth is that, as hard as I may try, I make mistakes all of the time. Sometimes my attempts to fit in or move my wheelchair around make someone angry. They don’t understand that the only thing that is different about me is that I use a wheelchair to “walk”. They may not appreciate that, after being in a wheelchair for 13 years, I don’t want to be the last to leave Mass but want to be included in the stream of people exiting the church. I don’t want to receive Communion from the back as if I am infirm but want to join in the community experience of having Communion at the altar.

Brooke Ellison , a quadriplegic who graduated from Harvard, did a study about “normalizing” peoples’ experiences of the disabled. She found that, after a number of interactions, people began to treat those with disabilities - just like they treated each other! It was a matter of addressing misconceptions and , quite frankly, a matter of seeing the person with a disability as someone with shared interests.

This study should give us all hope. With time, effort and patience, we can learn that we are , indeed, all the same. As members of a spiritual community, we have more in common than not.

There are more things I want to do. I am very blessed that my parish affords me opportunities to be involved. I receive so much that , like everyone else, I want to give back. I want to fully belong in the Church.

I hear from other Catholics with disabilities who want to go to church but find inaccessible physical situations . There may not be a ramp or an accessible bathroom. They may feel unwelcome to participate. They may encounter barriers due to the fears of others – well meaning, but misplaced.

I pray for more wisdom daily . I also pray that all of us as Catholics will find the courage we need to reach out and satisfy our yearning for inclusion with each other.